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"Dancing with the Stars": Chelsea Kane wiggles as Kirstie Alley struggles

First to dance was Chelsea Kane , with her samba. Judge Carrie Ann Inaba wanted her to be less perky. And more, um, sexually alluring. Kane doesn't have that much in the way of hips, so she has to wear her trousers very low in order to make the eyes believe those hips exist. In this samba, she wiggled her small bones to very large effect.

She seemed so confident that she was desperate for the judges to love it. Judge Len Goodman expressed liking (in his own way). Judge Bruno Tonioli stood up for his comments. That's all you need to know.

"You got down, you got dirty," said Inaba, with sisterly affection. Inaba was so impressed with her own dirtiness lessons that she gave it a 10.

Tonioli tried to help Kirstie Alley . In truth, she does need help in the technical department. Unfortunately, it didn't seem that Tonioli helped her all that much. Alley doesn't finish her arm movements and, even though her legs can step to the double, she tends to look at the floor in order to make sure her feet do what they're told.

Inaba thought she oozed. Goodman thought he was natural. Tonioli was frustrated.

Hines Ward had the privilege of having Goodman tell him where to put his toes. He also managed to have his deltoids felt by the wily old judge's firm fingers.

Ward had to dance the quickstep. The Steeler is a deceptive dancer. He exudes such a charming personality that you don't always see that he isn't a terribly perfect performer. Indeed, at one point during his quickstep, Ward looked down for fear of running into a step and tripped. However, he generally moved with such cheery abandon that the Terrible Towels emerged in the hands of the audience.

"It makes me forget that I'm supposed to be judging," said Inaba.

"It's not quite there yet," said Goodman.

Two judges with a bizarre attack of honesty. Why would they do that? Oh, right, it's the Finals.

Then it was time for the dancers' attack of honesty: the freestyle. Kane 's partner, Mark Ballas, wanted them to be fresh and edgy. You know, younger than the other couples. Think about it - their combined ages are still less than Alley's.

They rode in on a bike. They offered Latino beats. They threw in lifts that Alley would only attempt in a life beyond Scientology, and a level of energy that a case of Red Bulls couldn't generate.

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