Charlton Heston Funeral

TV: What to watch

“Midway” 7 p.m. to 10 p.m., AMC (1976)

Talk about an all-star cast. Charlton Heston, Henry Fonda, James Coburn, Glenn Ford and Hal Holbrook all star in this dramatization of the battle that was a turning point in the Pacific Theater of World War II.

“The Bachelorette” 7 p.m. to 9:01 p.m., ABC (New)

The 18 remaining men move into the mansion. The show doesn't waste any time upping the awkward factor by whisking Ashley and one guy to Las Vegas for a one-on-one date that includes wedding preparations.

“Antiques Roadshow” 7 p.m., PBS (New)

Part 2 of the Washington, D.C., visit includes an 1813 congressional sword and a sculpture valued at between $60,000 and $90,000.

“Pawn Stars” 7:30 p.m., History (New)

Rick and the guys are offered a John Wilkes Booth wanted poster and a 1930s Chicago police badge, among other things.

“Gettysburg” 8 p.m. to 10 p.m. History (New)

The channel is kicking off its celebration of the 150th anniversary of the Civil War with this documentary about the Battle of Gettysburg. Dramatic accounts retell the individual stories of those who fought in the costly 1863 battle that was a turning point in the war.

“Cake Boss” 8 p.m., TLC (New, season premiere)

Buddy and his crew are back, designing a space shuttle cake for NASA and a special confection for Buddy's mother.

“Law & Order: Los Angeles” 9 p.m., NBC (New)

A kidnapping gone bad leads detectives to two armed Russian men and the discovery of a second crime.

“Breakout Kings” 9 p.m., A&E (New, season finale)

The team hunts the head of a drug cartel who escapes while attending her son's funeral. The team suspects there's a rat in the cartel's ranks who's helping the fugitive elude them.

“Platinum Hit” 9 p.m., Bravo (New, series premiere)

This music competition hosted by Jewel is all about the songwriting. Twelve contestants use the city of Los Angeles as inspiration to write a song with a good “hook.” Their efforts are then judged.

“Extreme Makeover: Weight Loss Edition” 9:01 p.m., ABC (New, series premiere)

You didn't think you could go the summer without a reality weight- loss show, did you? This new entrant has a twist. There is no competition, and each episode focuses on one contestant's progress with a personal trainer over the course of one year.

Charlton Heston: A Funeral To Die For – Holytaco

I must admit, I got pretty excited when I heard that Charlton Heston had died. Not because I wanted him dead, but because I knew his funeral was going to be the social event of the season. So I went out and bought a new tuxedo. Then, to make sure I fit in to other funeral attendees, I holstered two 6-shooters, strapped a .22 caliber to each thigh, slid a sawed-off shotgun into my belt and crammed a couple hand grenades into my anus. Then,BOOM!,I got the news:

What!?!? No funeral? Then where are we going to have the 21-gun salute using body armor-piercing cyanide-tipped bullets (usually reserved for “squirrel hunting”)? This is a travesty. If we, as Americans, have the right to blow away a man with a ridiculously large firearm, then we at least have the right to stand over the corpse of the man who fought for our freedom to stand over the corpse of the guy we just blew away wth a ridiculously large firearm. I’m pretty sure that’s in the Constitution somewhere.

And with that, here are a few suggestions for Mr. Heston’s Tombstone.

Alzheimer!?!? I Hardly Knew Her! LOLZ

Bringing Gun-Loving Psychos To All of Heaven’s School Shootings

All That Shit I Said About Guns? Totally Kidding.

Please Remember Everything I Did. Because I Can’t.

I Am Cold. And Dead. But I Would Still Prefer To Keep This Gun In My Hands.